Dilemmas*

*Alternate title: “Spiritual Schizophrenia: Why I’m Glad Paul Wrote Romans 7”

i  hunger for Your Presence

            while hiding and on the run

worshiping Your Holiness even as

            fleshly thoughts bombard my mind

lifting my gaze Heavenward only to be

            distracted by some earthly visage

ministering Your Healing but busying myself

            to numb my own soul-sickness

dancing in Your Light while the outward man

            walks with chains around his feet

speaking Your Peace over weary souls while

            feeling adrift in the storms of life

committing to Spiritual Disciplines yet frequently

            losing Your Rhythms of Grace

the inner man delights in the Law of God while

            my psyche bends to the law of sin & death

longing for Transparency and Authenticity

            i erect walls of defense and obstruction

seeking to walk by Faith and not by sight while

            still allowing life’s routines & circumstances

                       to leave me anxious & afraid

thirsting for true Community

             i too often run to my cave

“oh wretched man that i am;

           who will set me free from this body of death?”

You beckon me to sweet Solitude with You but

            i cower in a sense of isolation & loneliness

You call me to Shepherd others when

            i myself am a wayward sheep

You invite me to worship in Spirit & Truth while

            i’m burdened by ritual & tradition

You send me to the ministry of Reconciliation but

            there are brothers with whom i no longer walk

You call me to speak the Truth in Love yet

            too often i cowardly refrain

You urge me to model Grace but how easily

                 and foolishly i can speak judgment

                           and words that do not edify

You call me to come and Die while a dead man

                whispers lies in my soul

You command me to pray for true Unity while

               i am often separated from my brother

                            by superficial things

You declare that I will receive Power and release it into

              the world, but sterility clings to my life

You plead with me to come and Rest but i’m still

              wrestling angels by the river Jabbok

You welcome me as Friend opening Your arms for     

              Intimacy yet i so easily treat You like a stranger

“oh wretched man that i am;

            who will set me free from this body of death?”

“Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

mark d. cooke – 1-19-08