Parched Under a New Moon: A Cry for True Revival
maybe i should call a shrink – get a prescription or something
it hasn’t been lengthy – not days, weeks or months
but it has been creeping up for some time
and the depth of the darkness is uncharted and frightening
disconnect and disintegration on every level
the extroverted initiator has no initiative left
the resilient gauge is on empty
there are those who seek to reassure me…
“You’re a good man, brother.” “You’re not a failure as a father.”
“You’re a gifted servant & preacher.” “You truly are a man of God.”
i’ve heard this and more, so…
it’s not that i’m void of outward affirmation
but it all goes thud
against the iron gates of a disoriented psyche
is this shallow, mediocre self-absorption - too much navel gazing?
or am i failing to deal with deeper matters?
“Failure” - that’s the millstone
moral, spiritual, financial, relational, vocational
the weight presses against my chest as i gasp for breath
damn, i’m tired of this treadmill
how many times – fatigue, frustration, sin and i’m down on my knees
confessing, relinquishing, crying out
rising - renewed, refreshed, forgiven, cleansed
here i am again, at the end of myself? - probably not
a friend’s 51 year old brother had a stroke last week (i’m 51)
suddenly weakened, paralyzed, anxious, helpless
after years of robust self-sufficiency
maybe my soul has had a stroke – a spiritual blood clot
hitting the cerebral cortex of my inner man
and if the joy of the Lord is my strength
it’s no wonder that i’m so weary
but where do i go for an energy boost?
counterfeit, charismatic crap on one side
arrogant, condescending, lifeless ritual on the other
“clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…”
here i am, stuck in the middle with me
i know, i know, “it’s not about me” but i’m the only me i’ve got
and i think i need an extreme makeover
“I am exceedingly afflicted; revive me, O LORD, according to Thy word.”
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.”
Lord, i thirst!
mark d. cooke, 9-3-08
